Adhesive lubricant

From GodWiki
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Artifacts of Godville
Adhesive lubricant
Adhesive lubricant.jpg
Type 🧷Normal
Description Tube of goop

Adhesive lubricant usually appears as a tube of goop. That goop, when applied correctly according to the 83-page manual that comes with each tube, allows two objects to move freely against each other, but not be pulled apart.

History of Manufacture

Adhesive lubricant is the end result of extensive research and development started in the pre-Godville days lost to the mists of time. Its original purposes and its ideator's intents are equally lost, but scholars suppose that it may have something to do with the megalithic monuments littering the landscape.[1] As it now exists, adhesive lubricant earned a chemical patent on 582 g.e.,[2] and went into commercial production two days later.

Earliest mass-manufactured versions of adhesive lubricant came packaged with a simple note card of usage instructions. Unfortunately, because of its odor reminiscent of hibiscus and plum, the warnings against misuse of adhesive lubricant listed on the note card were not equal to the creativity[3] of its users. The landmark case Fruze v. Grantmarkstein Chemical and Pharmacology[4] tried before the honorable Maria Rotunda by the Flawyer and his team of Barbeerians resulted in no award of damages to Mr. Fruze,[5] but ruled that Grantmarkstein would be responsible for any future misuse of adhesive lubricant that it does not warn its customers against.

All production of adhesive lubricant ceased for 45 days while Grantmarkstein Chemical and Pharmacology developed its 27-page manual of precisely how to apply the goop, and then went on to develop a 56-page appendix of warnings, prohibitions, and admonitions. Production costs for the manuals now outstrip costs of producing and packaging the adhesive lubricant. As a result, adjusting for inflation, adhesive lubricant today costs five times what it cost in initial production runs.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • How does adhesive lubricant work? That is information that Grantmarkstein holds proprietary. Close examination of the patent indicates that it should not work. Grantmarkstein's competitor, Rathbone-Wellington-Clark, offers a perennial prize of 100,900 gold coins to anyone who can adequately reproduce the effects with a non-carcinogenic compound; so far, there have been no winners.
  • Can I eat adhesive lubricant? NO! Please see the usage and warnings manual, pages 1, 5, 7-13, 45-62, 77, and 83.
  • I have this great idea for lubricant adhesive. How do I get in touch with Grantmarkstein? While Grantmarkstein is notorious for refusing to work with independent inventors after the "black laser" incident, it accepts employment applications through a post office box in Herolympus. Be advised, no employee has earned a spot in the experimental laboratory in fewer than 8 years of employment.

Sales Tips

  • It is illegal in most territories to sell adhesive lubricant without its accompanying manual. Heroines reselling tubes looted from fallen monsters should check for the manual, and should not be surprised if the purchasing merchant treats an unaccompanied tube like black market contraband.
  • Even a half tube of adhesive lubricant will sell at a good price. Don't throw the stuff away unless it has grown mold or shows evidence of active combustion.
  • In a fight, a monster eating this item will choke. And possibly glue its mouth shut permanently. Merchants are not willing to purchase a tube of adhesive lubricant with a monster attached to it.

References and Footnotes

  1. Please note that this assertion dates to the g.e. 700s, when a fashion for explaining mysteries with other mysteries swept through the academisphere. To date, there are still unknowns about how the ancient megalith-builders suspended the Stone Yo-yo of Blood-curdling Stream, for instance, though tests have yet to discover residue of adhesive lubricant, in part due to scholars having yet to discover a graduate student willing to shin down the stone string to the adhesion point with the stone yo-yo.
  2. "Patent 17849-082 (Chemical): Being both a binding agent and a lubricating agent making use of asymptotic surface tension." Godville Patent and Trademark Office (GVPTO), Godville, Approved: 582 g.e. Last Accessed: 3207 g.e.
  3. Or idiocy.
  4. Bad Gateway 2nd Circuit Court, 622 g.e.
  5. At last report, now eats through a straw inserted through his nose.