'Praying for Dummies' handbook

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Artifacts of Godville
'Praying for Dummies' handbook
praying4dummies.jpg
Type 🧷Normal
Description Part of "Dummies heroes and heroines" collection.

Many heroes are unable to give a satisfactory prayer on their first few attempts, much to the displeasure of their gods or goddesses. This book exists solely to teach heroes how to pray in such a way that their deity will be momentarily proud of them.

The first page of the book explains the best position to be in while praying. Kneeling is highly recommended, as is staying still. Fidgeting, the book says, often indicates impatience and restlessness, which does not make for a good prayer.

The second page elaborates on the voice a hero should use during prayer. This is much trickier for a hero to master. The book explains that heroes must find a balance between sounding bored ("Thanks for, uh, being you, I guess...") and sounding sarcastic ("Oh, thank you so much for everything you've done for me, including the creation of all those monsters out there!"). Practicing in front of a doctor while being treated is recommended, as they are not as likely to shove you or smack you as a trader or a monster.

The third page only says this: "It is unlikely that you will only think about your god or goddess while praying, but you should at least attempt to do so. Your deity will feel the effort. Also, give them your money. They like that."

The other pages all have common prayers for the hero to practice. These prayers range from being long and eloquent to being short but succinct. Many heroes will write these prayers in their diary as a reference for later. After all, they are very likely to lose the handbook, but they will never lose their diary.

!Hero's Diary
15:55 I'm praying to you, Most Righteous One. Hope you can hear me, I really need a new liver.
!Hero's Diary
06:51 Great One, I am brave and strong, but not very smart. Save me from my own stupidity! Please accept %gold% as my offering.

The book has received rave reviews from heroes and gods alike. There is only one thing that is often criticized: the title. Heroes often refuse to buy the book, usually with a proclamation of "I am not a dummy!" This leads to a great deal of headaches for gods and goddesses. A hero will only get the book if they take it from a monster's body, and even then, their only plan is to sell it. Crafty traders will sometimes put a different cover on the book, something like "List of all Taverns in Godville". These "re-covered" books are often sold quickly before being thrown through the trader's window after purchase.